Under normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't have blogged today. Things have been very busy here, and to be honest. I. Am. Exhausted. I seriously don't know how you military wives/moms and wives of offshore workers do it. The husband was out of town all week last week, and is gone the first half of this weeks, so that means me, the 3 year old princess, and the 20 month old Momma's boy all by ourselves. Please excuse any random "James Joyce" stream of consciousness in this post. :)
But today just isn't any day. Today, as of this morning's weigh in, I have officially lost over 100lbs. (100.7 to be exact). When this all started about 19 months ago, I doubted I'd ever get here. Who attempts to lose 100lbs or more and actually does it???? The numbers certainly weren't in my favor. It's taken a lot of hard work, a lot of discipline, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of self-examination. There have been really great days, and there have been really dark days. To be honest, all of this.... this whole process... is not about body, or weight at all. It's all about what's in our heads. What we choose to believe about ourselves. What we have let others talk us into believing about ourselves. Why is it we refuse to see how much goodess is in each of us? We deserve better than we treat ourselves. I deserve better than how I was treating myself. Who told me that I couldn't do it? Who told me that I wasn't good enough? (anyone else see the biblical reference here???) The Christian group Casting Crowns has a song that has always meant a ton to me and has served as constant inspiration when I have felt down and discouraged, here are the lyrics....
THE VOICE OF TRUTH by CASTING CROWNS
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
______
It has to be a choice to really listen to the truth about ourselves and to silence all the negativity that so many (especially women) are prone to. Even today, I found myself having to push those harmful thoughts out of my head..."Sure, you've lost 100 lbs, but you still weigh 195... so and so had a STARTING weight of 195 in her weight loss process..... most women would be horrified to be at 195, what's there to be proud of, it's still not good enough...." THOSE ARE NOT WORDS OF THE VOICE OF TRUTH. They are lies. They have no purpose other than to hurt, tear down, and derail. Believing them leads to failure, and at the end of the day, who cares what so and so did, or so and so thinks.... I LOST 100 effin pounds. I will never know what it's like to be 130lbs and not have to worry about weight, and of course, I have always been envious of those girls who seemed to have the "perfect" body. What I am learning is that EVERYONE has a cross. Mine is just one that you can see. I am choosing to believe the voice of truth and truly celebrate all of the hard work that I have put in.
People ask me "how I did/am doing it" all the time. Of course I mention that it's at least 80% what you eat and 20% how much you move, but to be honest. I changed my mind. I made up my mind. I realized that my thought patterns/decisions have been often disordered thinking. I learned the value of delayed gratification (SO hard to do in our "I want it now" culture). I stopped being ashamed of where I had gotten myself. Shame only leads to guilt, which leads to binging, which leads to shame, which leads to guilt, etc....) MAKE UP YOUR MIND. YOU ARE WORTH THE TIME AND ENERGY. If you're a Mom like me, you have MANY obligations. You may envy those who seem to have all this time to workout, afford gym memberships, gym equipment, nutritionists, diet plans, etc. Let me remind you. I am a stay at home mom to 2 children 3 and under. Every hour of my life is spent with my children (most of the time I ADORE it :P) I have no gym membership. I have only a treadmill (bought on sale) and some hand weights. I have no nutritionist (the internet has great resources). I don't go to meetings, or pay for a diet plan. I did this. I don't say that to inflate my own ego, but simply to state that it's not about the external things in our lives. It's not about the money, or the time. It's about your choices. What do you want to be consumed by? What example do you want to be for your children? When was the last time you felt that you accomplished something and were proud of yourself for it because you KNEW how much HARD WORK it took? IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT. MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO DO IT. Starting is scary. Not starting is deadly. I'd rather be scared than dead.
Even though this day is just a step in the life long journey I will be on with my weight, I can't close this post without a few thank you's....
My husband, mom, sister, father, all of my family and friends, all the FB friends and followers... thank you so much for your love and support. Thank you for your non-judgment of where I had been. Thank you for your excitement for where I am now. And of course, to the little girl and little boy who inspired me to realize that not only do they deserve to have me around as long as I can, but I deserve to live in a body that I deserve to have an interior life free from the chains of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-destruction.... I love you more than anything in this world, and I will continue to do my best to be the Mommy that you both deserve.
Be kind. Not only to other. Most importantly, to yourself.
